Bring it on!

After posting such a depressing blog, I figured I needed to post some of the happy and exciting things that are happening in my life and in my families! Even though I seem to be sad a lot I am still able to appreciate the good, and the fact that God is up there, giving me good things and the ability to see them.

Its SUMMER.. or about as close as you can get to it. Our weather has been anything but normal lately. We have been having cold 60 degree days and them WHAM.. here come the 90's overnight. I am so excited to have the boys outside getting fresh air and to dress Carson in all of his adorable (I mean handsome :)) summer outfits! I can't wait to get paid so I can FINALLY go buy some flowers and brighten up our yard. I bought a hanging basket yesterday but I still need several more. I love flowers and this year, I don't have to worry about a big dog eating them!!

Brenden had his first baseball games last week. So far they have lost both, but being an overly proud parent, I have to say that he is doing wonderful. They have played the same team both times, the first game they lost 0-9, the second game they only lost 4-6, so they are already improving by leaps and bounds! He is pitching this year and is doing so well, I am so proud of his determination. He had 8 strike outs on Sunday, and he only pitched 4 innings! He also had 2 hits, a single and a double! It's so much fun to see the pride in his face when he plays and to see the excitment of the whole team when he throws a strike! They are all great little ball players and they are going to be a force to be dealt with as they get older. Keep your eye on Brenden though.. he's definitley a kick butt pitcher!
Doug started school last week at Wayne State. He has decided to go back and get his degree in Marketing and Accounting. I am really proud of him for making that choice and following through. He has talked about it for over a year now, so I was wondering if he was ever actually going to do it, but he has now and I think it's a great thing for him and will in turn be a great thing for all of us. He's taking classes all summer and will end up completing a whole semester over the summer.

Carson is just Carson.. he's happy, healthy and FULL of energy. He LOVES to be outside in the sun. Last night he spent 30 minutes running around the yard for no apparent reason. He just giggled and ran! He's saying a few words.. mainly "NO" which is getting a little old. At his last check up in April he was 33 1/2 inches tall and around 26 pounds. His doctor said he was in the 90th% for height and like 50th% for weight. He's obviously going to be quite a tall little boy. He's not even 2 yet and is almost 3 foot tall.. thats more than half of my height! I wonder what it feels like as a mom to have a 4 year old look down on you?

Next month we are heading to Manti, Utah for Jonathan (Doug's brother)and Laura's wedding. We are all very excited to see the whole family and spend some time with everyone. We haven't seen most of them since November so it's a much needed reunion! Doug's sister Emily has been organizing everything and I am just amazed considering she also has 4 girls to deal with as well! I wish my life could be that organized sometimes! I am a little nervous to take Carson on the plane. The last time he flew he was only 5 months old, and pretty much slept the whole time. We did get lucky and find a non-stop flight to Salt Lake, so that limits our travel time to a little over 2 hours! Hopefully he will transform himself into a perfect little boy and behave the whole time! (yeah.. right!)

Well thats it in a nutshell... we are keeping busy now that Summer has finally decided to make an apperance!

My Lilly

April 9 Liilian Grace was born at 10:06am. She passed away sometime around 10:30 in my arms. I feel very fortunate in that I was able to say hello and goodbye to my daughter and to hold her in my arms for her short little life.


It's been over 5 weeks since Lillian Grace was born and given her angel wings. There is not a day that I don't think about her, infact there is very rarely a minute that she isn't on my mind. I know that in time things will get easier, but how much time does it take? I never imagined that it could feel like this. Losing a child is a lot like having one.. the amount of love you feel from the very second you learn of them never goes away, even if they do. We are trying to go on with our lives, actually I seem to be the only one struggling with it. Don't get me wrong I have good days, days where I am able to think of my angel and smile. I know that she is in good hands and will forever watch over me and my family. I know in a way I am blessed to have my very own angels in heaven. The bad days are the ones that seem to shut me down. I just stop functioning. I get angry, I cry, I scream and then I hide. When I have a bad day, I just want to hide from the world and feel like crap without someone telling me about how it will get better or that it's normal or okay for me to feel the things I feel. I just want to be alone. Lately those bad days seem to be happening a lot. I don't really know why, but it's hard. Maybe I'm just tired, or maybe I've finally given myself permission to feel the way I feel. Either way I hope for everyone in my life and mostly for myself that it gets easier.
Rest in Peace my little girl.. mommy loves you.