Reality.. not as much fun as it used to be.

The plain truth
So, it's come down to this. It's time I accept reality and let others accept it with me.
I woke up this morning as most everyone does on a Monday.. tired from the weekend and frustrated that it was another start to another long work week. I stepped in the shower to wake up as I do every morning, and it hit me. Now, I don't mean there was a flash a light or anything. I mean the tears hit me.. because this week is not like every other week, this week is the week we start our search for answers and the week that could change the rest of our lives. I have been trying to ignore it, trying to pretend that nothing is wrong, that nothing scares me and that it's out of my hands so why worry. I may have fooled everyone, everyone that is, besides myself.
Thursday I have the amnio. The dreaded test with the big huge needle that gets poked into my bare stomach. You'd think that alone would scare me, but it doesn't. What the amnio will tell us is what keeps the tears coming, what wakes me up every night. God, what I wouldn't do for one night that it didn't, for one night that my dreams didn't horrify me. The results of the amnio take anywhere from 3 days to 3 weeks, so it's another waiting period. Another opportunity for me to sit awake at night and wonder where it all went wrong. Another couple weeks that I continue to pull away from everyone and everything in my life.
I'm ashamed to admit it, but I have done just that. The day we found out that something was wrong with the baby, I came home and held onto Carson for dear life, thanking God that I had 2 beautiful healthy children. The days and weeks that have followed I have pushed everyone away. The rational side of me knows that it's stupid but the side of me that is trying to deal with and process all of this is scared to get any closer to anyone than I already am in fear that something will happen to them or to me. I hate myself for it right now, I really do.
My immediate fear for Thursday is that they will start the ultrasound portion and there won't be a little beating heart or little arms and legs kicking and punching. I'm horrified at the idea that they will tell me it's all over. I've been there once before and it's a place I never want to be again. I spent basically 4 months trying to ignore that pain and when I realized that I couldn't I spent countless hours literally drowning the pain knowing that alcohol was the only way I could let it out. Poor Doug.. I never stopped to think of what pain he was in, I just checked out of my life for a while. In a way, I'm doing that now. I'm so consumed with all my feelings that I don't stop to think of what it does it Doug.
I won't lie, I get frustrated when we talk about it, because he looks at the positives or at least pretends to when he talks to me. He tells me not to freak out yet, we don't know what if anything is wrong. How am I supposed to do that exactly? I have had a doctor telling me that there might be something VERY wrong. I have seen the ultrasound pictures that show that something is wrong, even if it does happen to go away.. it was there and I can't deny that. Everytime I am nauseous, everytime I try to get dressed to realize that nothing suddenly fits, everytime someone points out that I am already showing, every minute of the day I am reminded that I have this baby inside of me struggling to survive. How do I just pretend that it's all going to be okay?
I have given up on the idea.. the one where I am strong. Last week, I spent Thursday and Friday at home, basically in bed. I just didn't want to deal with the world. I did have a nagging cold but I could have survived at work with it.. problem was I couldn't survive at work with my brain on overload. I didn't want to have to deal with the idea that someone would ask or want to talk about it. We went to Bingo Friday night with friends, which oddly enough was kind of fun. But no one really had the opportunity to talk, we were all too busy being confused! I just can't deal with it in the way that I was anymore. It's become too hard to smile and say "we are hoping for the best".
I mean, I still do hope and pray that everything will be ok, that in August I will give birth to a healthy happy little one. But the reality is, at this point the odds are against me. I am hoping to start that ultrasound Thursday and not see fluid.. to find out that its all disappeared, to have the tests come back and tell me that my baby is healthy, that there are no defects that he/she will be have to deal with. As much as I am hoping for all these things, I know there is a better chance that the ultrasound will show fluid, maybe more, maybe less, that the test results will tell me that my baby will have defects that may even make his/her life unlivable. Because of all this I can't even decide if I want to know if it's a girl or boy. Do I want to personalize it more so than I already have if the end is inevitable?
I read a blog of a woman who was in my situation.. the fluid disappeared by week 20 and the worst that was wrong was that her little guy had 6 toes on each foot. As much as 6 toes is a little odd.. it's a best case scenerio for me right now.. I would kiss everyone of those little toes if they were attached to a living breathing baby.