April 9 Liilian Grace was born at 10:06am. She passed away sometime around 10:30 in my arms. I feel very fortunate in that I was able to say hello and goodbye to my daughter and to hold her in my arms for her short little life.
It's been over 5 weeks since Lillian Grace was born and given her angel wings. There is not a day that I don't think about her, infact there is very rarely a minute that she isn't on my mind. I know that in time things will get easier, but how much time does it take? I never imagined that it could feel like this. Losing a child is a lot like having one.. the amount of love you feel from the very second you learn of them never goes away, even if they do. We are trying to go on with our lives, actually I seem to be the only one struggling with it. Don't get me wrong I have good days, days where I am able to think of my angel and smile. I know that she is in good hands and will forever watch over me and my family. I know in a way I am blessed to have my very own angels in heaven. The bad days are the ones that seem to shut me down. I just stop functioning. I get angry, I cry, I scream and then I hide. When I have a bad day, I just want to hide from the world and feel like crap without someone telling me about how it will get better or that it's normal or okay for me to feel the things I feel. I just want to be alone. Lately those bad days seem to be happening a lot. I don't really know why, but it's hard. Maybe I'm just tired, or maybe I've finally given myself permission to feel the way I feel. Either way I hope for everyone in my life and mostly for myself that it gets easier.
Rest in Peace my little girl.. mommy loves you.
1 comment:
I think its okay to scream, cry, and be upset. We want to be nearby to strengthen and help. We miss you Mandy. You're still an excellent person in my eyes. I think your family are angels on earth.
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