October recap!

Wow.. October is really already over, it's insane how quickly it passed!
I would love to say that we have been busy and doing tons of fun things this month, but I would be lying!
Obviously the highlight of the month was Halloween.
We were lucky enough to get several pumpkins from Gene's garden this year. Brenden carved one a little too early in the month, so it had to make a trip to the trash can before Halloween night. He did a great job carving them and had a ton of fun doing it. As a typical boy, getting the "guts" out was his favorite part.

Brenden had decided that he was too cool to go Trick or Treating with his parents and little brother this year. Instead he went with some friends and their parents ( I guess they have cooler parents!) He was a cross between Jason and a serial killer I suppose. Honestly, he just found some things he liked and put them together and called it a costume. He was happy with the outcome, which is the only thing that matters.

Carson had his own ideas about Halloween, which included loving his costume but hating the very idea of trick or treating. He loves having gloves on and his costume had gloves, so he was in heaven. But when we took him out of the car to go visit people he promptly sat down in the street and refused to do anything more. Instead we visited great grandma house and Nana & Papa's.. making it a VERY quick outing! Hopefully next year he will care more about it!

Other than Halloween it's been fairly quiet around the house. Brenden is in his "downtime" between sports and is already going crazy, constantly insisting that he is bored. Although, he has not been bored enough to clean his room, no matter how many times I suggest it.
Carson is being stubborn and has very obviously hit the terrible two's. He is such a strong willed child and is not afraid to let you know that he is not happy when it comes to that! We bought him a toddler bed a few weeks ago so that he would have less opportunity to fall out and hurt himself. From the very second it was placed in his room he was angry. He wouldn't allow anyone to "make" the bed , and ripped every blanket off of it the second it was put on. He screamed and cried at the very sight of it. We thought he would get over it and sleep in it that night. Instead he has slept on the floor NEXT to the bed every night since then with his pile of blankets. I figure someday he will decided to give it a try but until then I guess the floor works for him!
Doug has been overwhelmed with school lately. He spent a week or two with a really bad tooth and minimal class time, which put him a little behind. And like most people, did not have fun playing "catch up". He took a heavy schedule this semester which is proving to be challenging. He spends most of his evenings and weekends downstairs working on homework. He has been really good about waiting until the boys go to bed so that he gets to spend as much time as possible with them. But usually the only quiet time WE get is after the boys go to bed.. so I will admit to missing that time with him!
I have been busy myself with work. We went from not having any projects with the possibility of even having to cut down hours, to being slammed with projects! I am working on 5 projects at once right now. It's nice to have lots to do but sometimes I would like to have a day that is filled with nothing! Ha... I guess that's why it's called work!
Well.. that's that for the month of October. I am SO excited for the holidays and all of the family gatherings!

First and foremost, let me apologize to anyone that I may have offended with my last post. It was not my intent to put anyone down for choices they have made in life, only to voice my concerns on how some choices have affected me personally. I love my family dearly.. ALL OF THEM. My point was only to voice my fears of the upcoming holidays and the rest of my life and the changes that may or may not take place.

Anyway...

Brenden's football season ended last weekend. The 5th grade team (his primary team) entered into the tournament with no wins.. so we weren't expecting much different. Wow.. were we wrong! They won their first game and took 3rd place. He was SO excited! It was so much fun to watch the whole team get fired up and actually play to the end!! He was so happy that we all failed to see how sick he was actually getting! By Sunday night he was feeling really bad.. high fever and coughing. We visited the doctor Tuesday fearing that he (like several others in the area) had H1N1. The test came back negative but he was diagnosed with bronchitis. Our main hope now is that it doesn't turn into pneumonia.
Carson is being Carson - wild and crazy! He is continuing to ramble on and on.. picking up a few new words here and there. His latest issue has been sleeping at night. Doug and I have have spent several nights sleeping on the floor of his room. He goes to bed just perfect but is waking up anywhere between midnight and 3am. The only way he will lay back down is to snuggle up with one of us. He seems to do it about 4 or 5 times a week.. which is more than enough to create tons of aches and pains for Doug and I!! We are in the process of trying to find a twin bed to put in his room. He is really getting too long for the toddler bed and with the way he moves around, is constantly falling out of bed! Plus an actual bed would give us somewhere to lay when we camp out in his room for the night!!
Doug and I took a trip to Sioux Falls yesterday to have his tooth pulled. The oral surgeon in this area wasn't able to get him in until December so Doug took charge and found someone who could do it much sooner. He has been in constant pain for about 2 weeks.. so we are both happy that he was able to get it out quicker. It was quite funny to see him after the extraction while he was still partially drugged up.. he was all riled up about the dentist being a Vikings fan! He even asked me if the dentist wrote on his face! Hopefully he will be feeling much better now!

I finally got my new tattoo. I suppose I should tell you why I say "finally". When we found out that Lilly was sick and would probably not survive, I started thinking about what I could do to keep her memory with me. As most of you know, I like tattoo's, up until last week I had 5. At the time of my pregnancy we didn't have a name picked out but after her birth we chose Lillian. Since then I have been wanting to get a Lilly tattoo but I have made excuse after excuse when it came to actually doing it. I suppose it was part of my grieving process.. I wasn't really ready to come to terms with a lot of it. The past month has been a tough one for me, but a good one at the same time. I have done a lot of grieving and some healing. Last weekend I finally decided that I was ready to get my tattoo in honor of my baby girl. I asked Doug to come with me in fear of having an emotional meltdown. I was actually quite shocked at how easy it was to get through. Now every time I look at it I am reminded of my beautiful Lilly and the mark she will forever have in our lives.

We are trying to get ready for the upcoming holidays early, so that we (ok..basically "I") can feel more prepared and less frantic. We have most of Carson's birthday and Christmas presents bought, and have started on Brenden's. I have been picking up little things here and there for others as I run across them. My goal is to have everything done by the first part of December! We are currently planning to take a trip to Chicago immediately after Christmas to be able to spend some time with Doug's family as well! I am hoping that the winter weather takes a break and allows that trip! It's always nice to be able to get everyone together!

Sorry I asked for cooler weather!

News Flash... FALL HAS BEEN CANCELLED! \
What was I thinking asking for cooler weather in my last post? Yesterday it was a pleasent 75 degrees.. Sunday it will be a chilly 36 degrees with SNOW! Can you believe that..SNOW! What Happened to Fall? For that matter what happened to Summer? We had some really nice days but not enough and not as many as usual. I have decided that Global Warming doesn't exisit and until I get some decent weather I will continue this belief!
Luckily we have already bought the boys winter jackets, hats and gloves, so they are ready for the artic air. Unfortunatley it is still football season for Brenden, so we will be freezing on the sidelines for a few more weeks! :( I didn't go to last weeks games - it was just too cold for Carson (and me) to be outside. He was really sick with a nasty flu the week before, so I am going to extremes to keep him healthy for a while! If that means staying inside for the rest of the winter.. so be it.

Other than preparing to freeze, things are going well. Doug is in the middle of his first "real" semester of college and seems to be doing just as well as he did in the summer classes. I have finally been getting projects at work, which means that my hours are no longer in jeporady.. at least for the time being. I had the first parent teacher conference of the year with Brenden's teachers, which went amazingly well. All of them want to clone Brenden! His lowest grade was a 91.8%, which is a B here, but very close to an A. I was a little worried about his grades this year but apparently it was all for nothing. He started a pre-teen after school program at a local church yesterday and seems to really like it. Carson, as I said has been fighting the flu lately. It seems like once school starts, Brenden never gets sick, but brings everything home to us! I am hoping we are done with the worst of it and that the rest of the winter will be easier. Carson still isn't talking much.. well actually he is talking tons, but you can't understand most of what he says. He does have a few more words mastered but I'm still worried about how far behind he actually is. He has his 2 yr check up in December, so hopefully we will know more.
I have been struggling with the changes in my family. My mom moved out of Gene's house about a month ago and I still at odds with my feeling on it. The holidays are my favorite time of year because of the family aspect. This year I need that more than anything because I know the holidays are going to be tough without Lilly. Now, it seems that we will be doing very little with my family. I don't understand most of it really... for the most part I think it's extremely stupid actually. I am doing everything I can to make it clear that no matter what anyone thinks about it (including my grandma).. Gene and his family are still my family and always will be. He is the closest thing I have ever really had to a supportive father figure, and he is so important in Brenden's life. I can only hope that Carson will be blessed to have the same bond with him. Don't get me wrong, I want my mom to be happy..but this won't make her happy, I just wish she would see that or at least see how her actions are affecting everyone else.... ugh.. ok I am done with that subject!

Anyways.. we are gearing up for Halloween, I finally got a select number of decorations up last week and am excited to carve the pumpkins. Gene grows them so we have SO many to do! Carson is going to be a monkey this year (totally fitting) and Brenden is going to some sort of zombie skateboarder I guess. Brenden has decided that he is too old to go Trick-or-Treating with his mom and wants to hit the town with his friends. I don't know how I feel about it. I know he will be safe, that is not my concern, but I also know its the start of his independance from me. It has always been Brenden and I and it's hard knowing that he is growing up and wanting my presence less and less! I wish I could keep both of the boys little forever!

How quickly time passes!

Wow.. it's official we have an 11 year old son! It doesn't seem possible that Brenden is almost a teenager! We had ANOTHER birthday party for him - this time for the area family members. It was a nice change from the party at Okoboji - a quiet change! In all I think he had a good birthday and was, as always, spoiled!

Last weekend was also Brenden's 1st football games of the season. He is playing on both the 5th & 6th grade teams this year. The 5th grade game was not pretty they lost 34-0. I was very impressed at how well MOST of the kids handled the loss and for the fact that even when they knew the win was impossible, they still kept trying! The 6th grade game also ended in loss.. but it was a little closer 18-7. As the years go by it becomes more obvious that Brenden will probably always be one of the smaller kids.. but what he lacks in size, he makes up in heart. I have never seen a child that has as much drive and determination as him when it comes to sports (if I could only figure out how to duplicate it with homework and cleaning!). When he plays with the 6th grade boys, he looks like a toddler in a group of teenagers. It was a little scary to think of at first, until I watched him take down one of the larger players. He has decided that anyone, no matter what size, falls when you hit them right! This picture is during the 6th grade game.. so he looks really tiny! (He's #10)


Carson is doing well. His speech hasn't improved by much if any. I have been trying really hard to repeat things to him and make him talk more - but it doesn't seem to be working. He is more interested in playing with his toys and running around in circles than listening to me! He had a pretty nasty fall off the couch into the table a few days ago. The lump was large enough that I called the doctor. Thankfully I have a great doctor who calmed me down and told me everything would be ok (althought he did offer to see him for my own sanity). The picture isn't all that great but you get the idea. By the next morning the only thing left of it was some bruising. It's amazing how quickly kids heal!

The weather is slowly changing. I wish it would cool down just a little more so I could open up the house and let some fresh air in more often! For once, I am excited for some cooler weather - the boys have some really cute clothes that I can't wait to make them wear!
This weekend is MY birthday weekend. I am going to get a pedicure tonight (my favorite thing in the world). Tomorrow we have a babysitter and are going out with friends for a while. Sunday my mom and I are going to Brunch! I guess Brenden isn't the only spoiled one! ;)

Time to Celebrate

We have offically entered into the busiest birthday time of the year - which is the start to just a very busy few months! Brenden will be 11 on the 14th, but due to football practice and games we decided to have his party a little ahead of schedule. The last weekend od August we packed up a total of 5 5th grade boys and headed to Okoboji for the weekend. We were lucky enough to be able to rent a very nice, new private cabin at our favorite resort for everyone to stay in. The weekend was spent hanging out in the waterpark, watching the boys run like crazy kids outside, playing Wii & watching movies. In all I think everyone had a pretty good weekend! It was our first experience with so many kids (and our last!) This weekend we will be having cake & ice-cream with the family.





Next week is my birthday.. (my 25th for several years running), also thrown in the mix for the month are several of dougs immediate family and one of my most fantastic friends! September always seems like the month that all the craziness begins. Before we know it, Halloween will be here, soon followed by Thanksgiving, Christmas and Carson's 2nd birthday! This time of year I take a deep breath and pray that I can get everything done in time!

Carson went to the doctor yesterday due to a lovely cold that decided to attack. Doctor says he will be fine as long as it doesn't turn into ear infections and just to wait it out. We finally asked about his speech (or lack of it) and if we should be worried. The doctor seemed concerned when we explained how few words he says but how many noises he makes (proving that he isn't just a "quiet kid"). He said if something doesn't change in the near future (by 2 1/2) that we will be looking into speech therapy and hearing tests. I was really scared at first but the more that I think about it - I think he is just lazy and we are too! We don't force him to use words and all of us seem to talk for him. I am making an effort to change our behavior and hope that it changes his! Wish me luck!

An overview of summer 2009

So it's been to months since I have posted anything... actually my Aunt reminded me a few nights ago that it has been too long! Can you really blame me..our lives always seem so hectic that by the time I do get a chance to sit down at the computer, I'm only ready for mindless computer games! Luckily work is slow today so we have time to catch up!!
Wow.. what have we been doing lately? EVERYTHING! July was a fun month for obvious reasons. We spent the 3rd at my mom & Gene's watching the best fireworks display ever!! The 4th we had our little annual bbq and "blow stuff up" night at home with some great friends! I was shocked and amazed at how much Carson liked the fireworks.. never cried once! Kudos to Mr. Blackman for taking off running with him when the stupid firework tipped over - you make such a great mom! :)
We also got to go to Utah for Doug's brothers wedding. What a beautiful place. I was in awe of the mountains and overall scenery. During our time in Utah all the immediate Beer clan stayed at a bed and breakfast and was able to have a little family reunion. We all had a lot of fun. I was terrified that Carson would be horrible on the plane because, lets face it, he's not a quiet still child, but he did fantastic!! We were able to get a non-stop flight which helped out a great deal. The Temple in Manti where the cermony was, was perhaps the most beautiful place I have ever seen.

Brenden had a crazy busy summer. He was the starting pitcher for his baseball team this year. He was also asked to play for another town after the regular season was over for tournaments. They did amazing at tournaments - taking 1st place in BOTH player pitch and coach pitch. Brenden ended the tournament with a total of 2 offensive player of the game awards and 1 defensive player of the game!!! We were so proud of him and it was great to see the excitement in all of the kids!

Doug and Brenden went camping for the weekend with some friends of ours at the Ponca State park the end of July - it was a great "father/son" experience! I was glad to stay home in a nice warm bed. The only downfall was Carson's unwillingness to go to bed without dad. Needless to say we had a long night! The boys had a good time though - they fished, made campfires, made smores (I had to join for that!), and made some fantastic food on the campfire!
Bren started the 5th grade today. I can't believe that he's almost in middle school!! Where does the time go? He's playing tackle football again this year (no big shock) This year he finally gets to play a little on the offensive side of things. He's really excited!
This month we took a last second trip to Chicago to visit Doug's parents and just hang out. It was a great idea in theroy but due to lack of planning we didn't spend much time with family! We did get to take the "train" downtown and hang out at Melinnium Park - which has some great fountains for the kids to play in and some pretty neat sculptures. After playing for a while, we took a walk down to Nike Town for Brenden's sake. Doug said that it's not as cool as it used to be but Brenden still enjoyed being there.

Carson is growing up so quickly. He is a handfull, that much is for sure - but he makes everyday interesting which counts for a lot (both good and bad sometimes). He loves to run around - mostly in circles to make himself dizzy!! He has become used to the constant "go go go" of our lives and doesn't put up too much of a fight anymore! He is sleeping in his own "big boy" bed in his room finally! I took down all of the Winnie the Pooh stuff and replaced it with Thomas the Train - so it's a little more boyish for him! We have decided that he is either going to be a basketball palyer or one heck of a defensive lineman. He is a big boy. At the last doctors visit he was in the 97% for height. At 20 months he is basically 3 ft. tall!!! He seems to be a very happy and healthy little man. His smile and laugh melts your heart in seconds!

Well thats our past few months in a nutshell.. it's been busy but it's been fun!! We are sad to see Summer go!

June... already full!

What a month it is already been and it's only the 3nd!!

I had forgotten the summers are rarely relaxing in my family!
Brenden is overly involved in EVERYTHING. This week he started Band Practice and Shooting School (Basketball not guns!) Next week he continues with both and throws Basketball camp into the mix.. all the while still playing baseball! I barely have the energy to manage his schedule, I don't know how he does it!!

We are getting a cat tomorrow. To make a long story as short as possible, we went to the Humane Society last Saturday and found a great little guy. He is nuetered and declawed and so very cute! We didn't leave with him because of the complete rudeness of the woman working there.. yes I seriously walked out in the middle of adopting an animal!! C'mon are you really all that shocked? Well on the advice of my husband, I sent an email to the Humane Society and they called me back today apologized and offered me the cat for over 50% less than the original adoption fee!!! So I will say this once (and only once) Doug was right! I'm glad that I sent the email and even more glad that "Mouse" the cat still hadn't found a home so that we can welcome him to our family!

Carson is being crazy. At first I thought he was getting sick, now I'm not so sure it's not allergies. He has a little cough and a runny nose but doesn't seem bothered by either and they aren't very consistant.. so who knows! He is refusing to take naps and is a very tempermental child when he is tired. You'd think that with no nap he would sleep great during the night (you'd be wrong!). The past 2 nights he has woke up and yelled... just yelled. It's not even a cry, it's a "Hey, I'm awake and now your going to be too" yell. Luckily I have a great husband who hs been getting up with him. I'm waiting, I'm sure it will be my turn soon!

Doug finished his first class - Biology - last Friday. He got an A and is so proud of himself (I'm proud of him too!) To start the month off, he started 2 new classes one of which is @ 730am. I don't envy him! He has been great about getting up though - I'm pretty impressed!
We are leaving for Utah in exactly 2 weeks. I still have no idea what I am packing or what I need to. For once in my life I am trying to relax a little. I'm sure this will only mean that I am in a complete panic a few days before we leave!!

Not bad for the start of the month huh? With only 27 days more to go what is the most that could happen?!

Bring it on!

After posting such a depressing blog, I figured I needed to post some of the happy and exciting things that are happening in my life and in my families! Even though I seem to be sad a lot I am still able to appreciate the good, and the fact that God is up there, giving me good things and the ability to see them.

Its SUMMER.. or about as close as you can get to it. Our weather has been anything but normal lately. We have been having cold 60 degree days and them WHAM.. here come the 90's overnight. I am so excited to have the boys outside getting fresh air and to dress Carson in all of his adorable (I mean handsome :)) summer outfits! I can't wait to get paid so I can FINALLY go buy some flowers and brighten up our yard. I bought a hanging basket yesterday but I still need several more. I love flowers and this year, I don't have to worry about a big dog eating them!!

Brenden had his first baseball games last week. So far they have lost both, but being an overly proud parent, I have to say that he is doing wonderful. They have played the same team both times, the first game they lost 0-9, the second game they only lost 4-6, so they are already improving by leaps and bounds! He is pitching this year and is doing so well, I am so proud of his determination. He had 8 strike outs on Sunday, and he only pitched 4 innings! He also had 2 hits, a single and a double! It's so much fun to see the pride in his face when he plays and to see the excitment of the whole team when he throws a strike! They are all great little ball players and they are going to be a force to be dealt with as they get older. Keep your eye on Brenden though.. he's definitley a kick butt pitcher!
Doug started school last week at Wayne State. He has decided to go back and get his degree in Marketing and Accounting. I am really proud of him for making that choice and following through. He has talked about it for over a year now, so I was wondering if he was ever actually going to do it, but he has now and I think it's a great thing for him and will in turn be a great thing for all of us. He's taking classes all summer and will end up completing a whole semester over the summer.

Carson is just Carson.. he's happy, healthy and FULL of energy. He LOVES to be outside in the sun. Last night he spent 30 minutes running around the yard for no apparent reason. He just giggled and ran! He's saying a few words.. mainly "NO" which is getting a little old. At his last check up in April he was 33 1/2 inches tall and around 26 pounds. His doctor said he was in the 90th% for height and like 50th% for weight. He's obviously going to be quite a tall little boy. He's not even 2 yet and is almost 3 foot tall.. thats more than half of my height! I wonder what it feels like as a mom to have a 4 year old look down on you?

Next month we are heading to Manti, Utah for Jonathan (Doug's brother)and Laura's wedding. We are all very excited to see the whole family and spend some time with everyone. We haven't seen most of them since November so it's a much needed reunion! Doug's sister Emily has been organizing everything and I am just amazed considering she also has 4 girls to deal with as well! I wish my life could be that organized sometimes! I am a little nervous to take Carson on the plane. The last time he flew he was only 5 months old, and pretty much slept the whole time. We did get lucky and find a non-stop flight to Salt Lake, so that limits our travel time to a little over 2 hours! Hopefully he will transform himself into a perfect little boy and behave the whole time! (yeah.. right!)

Well thats it in a nutshell... we are keeping busy now that Summer has finally decided to make an apperance!

My Lilly

April 9 Liilian Grace was born at 10:06am. She passed away sometime around 10:30 in my arms. I feel very fortunate in that I was able to say hello and goodbye to my daughter and to hold her in my arms for her short little life.


It's been over 5 weeks since Lillian Grace was born and given her angel wings. There is not a day that I don't think about her, infact there is very rarely a minute that she isn't on my mind. I know that in time things will get easier, but how much time does it take? I never imagined that it could feel like this. Losing a child is a lot like having one.. the amount of love you feel from the very second you learn of them never goes away, even if they do. We are trying to go on with our lives, actually I seem to be the only one struggling with it. Don't get me wrong I have good days, days where I am able to think of my angel and smile. I know that she is in good hands and will forever watch over me and my family. I know in a way I am blessed to have my very own angels in heaven. The bad days are the ones that seem to shut me down. I just stop functioning. I get angry, I cry, I scream and then I hide. When I have a bad day, I just want to hide from the world and feel like crap without someone telling me about how it will get better or that it's normal or okay for me to feel the things I feel. I just want to be alone. Lately those bad days seem to be happening a lot. I don't really know why, but it's hard. Maybe I'm just tired, or maybe I've finally given myself permission to feel the way I feel. Either way I hope for everyone in my life and mostly for myself that it gets easier.
Rest in Peace my little girl.. mommy loves you.

No where to go but UP!

Finally some good news!!!
For all of you who read my last blog, you know how sad and scared we have been for the little one creating a home in my tummy. Last Thursday we had an amnio to see if we could get some answers as to what is going on and to basically prepare ourselves for whatever defect baby might have. With Cystic Hygroma, there is almost always some sort of defect, generally a trisomy, some are life long incurable defects like Down's Syndrome while others are fatal early in life with life expectancies reaching 1 year. These are all common defects with Cystic Hygroma, and obviously what my doctor is most concerned about. So we did the amnio.. and for those of you who say that it doesn't hurt all that much.. you are a stronger woman than me! It was pretty intense and a very painful 2 days after. Honestly, I would rather have another C-section than ever do that again!
Anyway.. back to the point (oh the joys of non-medicated ADHD!). The first round of results were to take 2-3 days and they were the results that included all of the trisomy tests. Yesterday (Tuesday) we FINALLY got the call from my doctor... well Doug did. He quickly called me and I quickly began shaking. I know the percentages and I know that they aren't in my favor. But.. God is up there cheering for us and that was never more evident than yesterday. All of the tests came back normal.. baby does not have any of the major chromosonal or genetic defects that are common!!! There is still a chance that Turners syndrome might be a risk. Turners syndrome is when a girl either only carries 1 X chromosone or 2 X chromosones, 1 of which is incomplete. The tests show 2 which is a step in the right direction, we are just not sure yet if they are both complete. Turners Syndrome is not curable but it's more of a growth affecting defect than anything else. Average height is 4'8 without growth hormones. I'm 5'2 on a good day, so I see no shame in being short!!!
So thats that.. so far so good. There is still the issue of the cystic hygroma itself and the fluid that was present in her tummy last Thursday. The fluid in the tummy is scary because if it keeps growing it puts too much pressure on her little heart. The last results from the amnio take up to 3 weeks, and they are for things like spina bifida, cystic firbrosis, etc... hard things to deal with but not considering the trisomy's that we believed we were facing. But for now we have renewed hope. She is growing perfectly and actually caught up to where I thought I was (about a week further than the doctors thought), she has all 4 chambers developing in her heart, which is beating a strong and steady 160 bpm, all of her organs look good, she was kicking away and sucking her thumb on the ultrasound last week, and the doctor said structurally everything is as it should be.
Keep praying for her.. she needs all the help she can get. She is my daughter which means she is stubborn and a fighter, so we know she won't give up without giving it her all! Thank you for all of your kind words.. we appreciate everyone's support, prayers and thoughts more than you know.

Reality.. not as much fun as it used to be.

The plain truth
So, it's come down to this. It's time I accept reality and let others accept it with me.
I woke up this morning as most everyone does on a Monday.. tired from the weekend and frustrated that it was another start to another long work week. I stepped in the shower to wake up as I do every morning, and it hit me. Now, I don't mean there was a flash a light or anything. I mean the tears hit me.. because this week is not like every other week, this week is the week we start our search for answers and the week that could change the rest of our lives. I have been trying to ignore it, trying to pretend that nothing is wrong, that nothing scares me and that it's out of my hands so why worry. I may have fooled everyone, everyone that is, besides myself.
Thursday I have the amnio. The dreaded test with the big huge needle that gets poked into my bare stomach. You'd think that alone would scare me, but it doesn't. What the amnio will tell us is what keeps the tears coming, what wakes me up every night. God, what I wouldn't do for one night that it didn't, for one night that my dreams didn't horrify me. The results of the amnio take anywhere from 3 days to 3 weeks, so it's another waiting period. Another opportunity for me to sit awake at night and wonder where it all went wrong. Another couple weeks that I continue to pull away from everyone and everything in my life.
I'm ashamed to admit it, but I have done just that. The day we found out that something was wrong with the baby, I came home and held onto Carson for dear life, thanking God that I had 2 beautiful healthy children. The days and weeks that have followed I have pushed everyone away. The rational side of me knows that it's stupid but the side of me that is trying to deal with and process all of this is scared to get any closer to anyone than I already am in fear that something will happen to them or to me. I hate myself for it right now, I really do.
My immediate fear for Thursday is that they will start the ultrasound portion and there won't be a little beating heart or little arms and legs kicking and punching. I'm horrified at the idea that they will tell me it's all over. I've been there once before and it's a place I never want to be again. I spent basically 4 months trying to ignore that pain and when I realized that I couldn't I spent countless hours literally drowning the pain knowing that alcohol was the only way I could let it out. Poor Doug.. I never stopped to think of what pain he was in, I just checked out of my life for a while. In a way, I'm doing that now. I'm so consumed with all my feelings that I don't stop to think of what it does it Doug.
I won't lie, I get frustrated when we talk about it, because he looks at the positives or at least pretends to when he talks to me. He tells me not to freak out yet, we don't know what if anything is wrong. How am I supposed to do that exactly? I have had a doctor telling me that there might be something VERY wrong. I have seen the ultrasound pictures that show that something is wrong, even if it does happen to go away.. it was there and I can't deny that. Everytime I am nauseous, everytime I try to get dressed to realize that nothing suddenly fits, everytime someone points out that I am already showing, every minute of the day I am reminded that I have this baby inside of me struggling to survive. How do I just pretend that it's all going to be okay?
I have given up on the idea.. the one where I am strong. Last week, I spent Thursday and Friday at home, basically in bed. I just didn't want to deal with the world. I did have a nagging cold but I could have survived at work with it.. problem was I couldn't survive at work with my brain on overload. I didn't want to have to deal with the idea that someone would ask or want to talk about it. We went to Bingo Friday night with friends, which oddly enough was kind of fun. But no one really had the opportunity to talk, we were all too busy being confused! I just can't deal with it in the way that I was anymore. It's become too hard to smile and say "we are hoping for the best".
I mean, I still do hope and pray that everything will be ok, that in August I will give birth to a healthy happy little one. But the reality is, at this point the odds are against me. I am hoping to start that ultrasound Thursday and not see fluid.. to find out that its all disappeared, to have the tests come back and tell me that my baby is healthy, that there are no defects that he/she will be have to deal with. As much as I am hoping for all these things, I know there is a better chance that the ultrasound will show fluid, maybe more, maybe less, that the test results will tell me that my baby will have defects that may even make his/her life unlivable. Because of all this I can't even decide if I want to know if it's a girl or boy. Do I want to personalize it more so than I already have if the end is inevitable?
I read a blog of a woman who was in my situation.. the fluid disappeared by week 20 and the worst that was wrong was that her little guy had 6 toes on each foot. As much as 6 toes is a little odd.. it's a best case scenerio for me right now.. I would kiss everyone of those little toes if they were attached to a living breathing baby.

12 weeks and counting!

I used this ticker when I was pregnant with Carson except I used the "development" version. This time around I decided to use the funny version knowing that sometimes I really need a laugh!

Follow along with us if you want, and if you have nothing better to do! We have another appointment tomorrow, with another ultrasound so I will be posting new pictures!

It's 2009... already??

Wow... what a past few months it has been! I have failed in epic size with this blogging thing, but our lives have proven to be more hectic then anyone could have imagined!

We celebrated Thanksgiving with the whole Beer family... 16 of us in one house! It was so wonderful to be surrounded with family! It was Carson's 2nd car trip and the first time he actually made it quite clear that he is not a fan! His first trip was at 8 weeks, so he spent most of it sleeping. Doug's sister Emily was a gracious and in my opinion somewhat insane host, opening her home to all of us for the weekend! Because I'm me, I was also excited to do a little "day after Thanksgiving" shopping in the Denver area. What a crazy crowd! Emily's community also has a great rec center that has a huge pool, climbing wall. and tons of other activities! Brenden had tons of fun and proved to still be a quick little monkey, scaling almost every level of the wall with ease and determination! Thank you Emily for such a great Thanksgiving!

Shortly after returning from Denver, Carson celebrated his 1st birthday! It still blows my mind that a year has passed so quickly! The weather was horrible that day but all of his family braved the snow and wind to come over and celebrate. Grandpa and Grandma Beer came all the way from Chicago for his milestone! Everyone ate pizza, cake and ice cream and enjoyed Carson's entertaining personality! Even with the weather it proved to be a great day!

Less than 2 weeks later it was Christmas!! I somehow managed to get the tree up and decorated but I will admit that I took the easy way out and put up only the small simple tree. Doug still has hopes of 2 trees.. I guess some people have a lot of hopes! Christmas was fun. Carson really got into the idea of unwrapping everything, including presents that weren't his! Christmas Eve, my mom, Gene, and my grandma came over for snacks and one on one time with the kids. It's really nice to have a quiet before the storm! Christmas morning Brenden was up early excited to see what Santa had brought him. Carson was up early as well, but thats pretty normal for him! We opened gifts and then headed to my mom and Gene's for the annual Watchorn family dinner! Stuffing yourself is truly the best part of Christmas!

Just when you think it's been busy enough in our lives (and when I am in zombie mode), theres always one more thing. In our cases.. it was a HUGE thing and a very unexpected one too!

Sometime after Christmas and before New Years, we learned that we are expecting baby #3!!! !

Life is about to get a whole lot busier! Baby Beer is due sometime in late August. We will let you know when we find out if we need to shop for pink or blue!